Bing Crosby Is For Saps

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phenomenon #4 – The Suggestive Christmas Song

There are Christmas songs about many things: roasted chestnuts, white Christmases, silent nights, making the Yule tide gay, shiny-nosed reindeers, all ye faithful, jingle bells, dummer boys, lords a-leaping and maids a-milking, Emmanuel, heaven’s breath, and oriental kings. To a good majority of the population Christmas songs are pretty irritating. But none of them are quite as uncomfortable as the suggestive Christmas song. Who would have thought that Santa Claus (sorry Jesus) could be the ultimate ladies’ man?

I’ve found that this particular genre can be divided into a two-pronged rating system based mostly on innuendo count and overall meaning. These are some examples:

PG – Pretty Gross
Stay A Little Longer Santa – Shemekia Copeland
Let’s see, this is a song about a very lonely woman who wants to seduce Santa. After flattering him profusely and confessing that she’s spent all her money on mistletoe, she boldly claims that she knows “how to make you {Santa, that is} very jolly.” I don’t know, can’t quite imagine the carolers singing this one at your door.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Although this child should be traumatized after watching his mom and Santa make out, he doesn’t seem too concerned about the fact that he’s witnessing an extra-marital affair between his mommy and a fictional holiday character. I’m sure the trauma will manifest itself later when he finds out Christmas morning that his presents are terrible.

Santa Baby – Marilyn Monroe
Good, old Marilyn Monroe! Way to use your womanly wiles to attempt extracting expensive and extravagant gifts from a jolly, old fellow who just wants to get home to his wife at the end of the night.

Merry Christmas, Baby
This song is mostly respectable and not very naughty even though the words vary depending on the performer. All of them sing about being treated nicely by their respective babies, kissing under the mistletoe and being in paradise; other versions, however, include edgy bits about not having had a drink all evening but being “lit up like a Christmas tree.” At least Santa gets a break in this song from creepy ladies trying to seduce him.

I’ll Be Your Santa, Baby – Rufus Thomas
Although the verses make icky use of chimneys and toys, most of this song just repeats “I’ll be your Santa, baby” or some variation of it. I have to give credit to Mr. Thomas for including this gem of a line: “Don’t let the whitey be your Santa Claus, ‘cause I want to be your Santa.”


R – Ridiculously Horrible
Christmas Tree – Lady Gaga
I feel dirty just looking at the title of this song. So, congratulations Lady Gaga: you are not only a weirdo but a perv, too!

I’ve Got Some Presents for Santa – Sarah Taylor and Bill Mumy
This gets the award for most disturbing imagery/language in a Christmas song. Go ahead and put that “trophy” on your “shelf” Sarah and Bill.


PS: suggestive songs are only the tip of the Awkward Christmas Song ice berg. There’s also Depressing Christmas Songs (like 'River') and Violent Christmas Songs (like 'Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer') .

I smell a compilation album…



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