cookies

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phenomenon #3 – Christmas cookies

At first, there seems nothing strange about the tradition of baking Christmas cookies every December. But upon closer examination, Christmas cookies are very weird. We play with our food, decorate it real nice, then digest it. And if that doesn’t convince you of the Christmas cookie’s phenom status, consider what shapes and objects they tend to be made into.

Example one – Human beings:
That’s right. We make and eat cookies that look like people. From the generic masses of gingerbread men and women to more specific holiday characters like Santa, elves and angels. What’s even creepier is that most of the time, these cookies are given smiling faces. Ignorant grins, actually – as they have no idea their heads are about to be bitten off.




Example two – Houses
And if we haven’t caused enough trouble by eating whole populations of gingerbread people, we now turn to eating their homes. And when we’re finished with their homes, why don’t we eat a nice, cozy nativity scene for good measure.

Example three – Clothing
How about stuffing your mouth with a few socks this year? Or a couple mittens, perhaps? Maybe a nice, fluffy hat or new pair of skates? Either way, if you can’t wear it, you can eat it. If only someone would invent an ugly Christmas sweater cookie…

Example four – Exotic Animals
Enjoy a reindeer or dove; snatch the donkey, sheep, or camel from the nativity scene – because in real life, these animals may taste a bit gamey, but as Christmas cookies they’re nothing short of fabulous.

Example five – Vegetation
Now, if eating cookies in the likenesses of poor, defenseless creatures makes you woozy, have no fear, there are other, more vegetarian-friendly options like Christmas trees, wreaths, holly and ivy, and scrumptious poinsettia blossoms.

Example six – Too Pretty or Cute to Eat
There’s always someone, some year who makes something so elaborate and unique no one is allowed to touch it – that is until Dad can’t take it anymore and dives in or it becomes its own penicillin factory.

Example seven – Glass, Flames, Electricity
For you daredevils, feel free to eat all the flaming candles, holiday ornaments and Christmas lights you desire without fear of death or injury (unless you choke on them or get into some kind of fight while eating them)

Example eight – Creepy, Ugly Mess-ups
Of course the season wouldn’t be right if you didn’t mess something up. Either it burns, has too much salt, is made without flour or with too much rum, has a goopy middle or a rock-hard crust, or just plain hideous - you can be sure someone is bound to bake up a gnarly treat no one’s touching.

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